I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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