if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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