I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
