What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
