Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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