I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
