Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
FUCK WHALES
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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