What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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