I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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