We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I FOUND THE LEGS
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
