i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
