I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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