I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
and i looked up. we had an audience...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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