I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize