i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
