You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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