I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
