if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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