Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
