I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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