And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
