Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
