I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize