I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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