I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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