i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
