I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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