Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
