Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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