Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
