How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I have tasted many bathrooms
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
