Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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