Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize