My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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