I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
