Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
