dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
