Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
