apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
