i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Oh god it's open bar.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
