Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
