Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
