I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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