My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
