Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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