i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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