Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
