Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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