I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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