i love accidental penises.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
