her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
