please come you make the beer taste better
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
