There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
