Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
