it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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