God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Is it because I queefed?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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