I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
