3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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