Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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