I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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