Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
