Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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