Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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