pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
