she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
