Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
