I wish I only lived at night.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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